Before he went to Camp, went to Jail, got Scared Stupid, Saved Christmas, or went to Africa, Ernest P. Worrell was the creation of advertising firm Carden and Cherry.
Ernest (and unseen Vern, of course) shilled for local car dealerships:
Regional Ice Cream Chains:
And national crappy soft drinks:
Among others. Then came the TV show, then the movies, the the direct-to-video movies.
Sadly, Jim Varney passed away in 2000.
First, the backstory: One of our regular teams that frequently wins is named “Badger My Ass” (referencing this Simpsons episode).
Last week, another of our regular teams called themselves “Badger My Ass Fan Fiction.” It was pretty funny, but did make it harder to keep score (#ScorekeeperProblems). Dave and I asked them to actually write some trivia team fan fiction. Last night, they delivered:
One Night in Allston
A Badger My Ass Fanfiction by Liz Schultz
“Guys, hurry up, we’re going to be late for trivia!” Buddy shouted to be heard in every corner of the six-bedroom house in Allston. His magnificent bald head shone under the cheap fluorescent light fixture in the middle of the living room.
“Ohhhh, no you don’t.” There came a loud bang from upstairs as Jessica kicked open her bedroom door with a heavy-heeled Louboutin. She cradled her infant son Trevor in her arms. Her black pencil skirt swayed seductively as she descended the creaking wooden stairs. She dumped Trevor unceremoniously into the arms of an unsuspecting Carmine, who was emerging from the kitchen.
Reid straightened from tying his shoes. He had already put on his coat and looked more than ready to answer some extremely difficult geography questions. “What are you talking about? Do you want to come? You know we can’t have that. Remember what happened last time?” Everyone looked everywhere BUT at each other, trying to banish thoughts of that strange night last summer when, in the throes of victory, Badger My Ass and its one-time female member had a passionate orgy resulting in Trevor’s conception. No one knew who his father was, and as such, Jessica expected them all to share equally in fatherly duties.
“I have a job interview, and someone needs to take care of Trevor,” said Jessica matter-of-factly. Dan sidled up and eyed Jessica with skepticism.
“You have a job interview,” he prodded. “At night.”
“Yeah, I’m interviewing to be a night secretary. At night. It’s a real thing. Shut up.” Jessica stepped out the front door, pulling it shut with a click that cut off any protest.
“Well, what do we do now?” Ben had finally wandered down from his room.
“I suppose one of us could stay home while the rest go to Sweetwater,” Buddy mused.
“But what if we lose without the full team?”
Reid shook his head. “It’s too risky. We shall not sully our good name! We are not the Rude Boys or that weird new team obsessed with Whoopi Goldberg. We will badger the whole ass, or no ass at all!”
And so it was decided that they would all stay home that week. It was that precise team spirit that had kept them from ordering a paternity test to see who Trevor’s biological father was. They would all equally share in each others’ triumphs and struggles. So far, Trevor had been a bit of both.
Buddy looked out the window wistfully, already mourning the god-like patty melt he would not get to eat this week. Mmmm, he thought. Special sauce.
Carmine grabbed Trevor’s play mat and spread it out on the living room carpet, carefully setting Trevor down on top. The 6-month-old sat with his little feet folded in front of him, thoughtfully sucking a few fingers. Reid threw himself down on the couch and kicked his shoes off. Ben wandered into the kitchen to grab everyone conciliatory beers.
“I wonder if that other team will miss us,” Dan said sadly. “The one with the redhead who’s never not drunk.”
“Oh yeah, and that Asian dude who looks like he stepped straight outta the 80s?” Buddy offered.
“That’s the one.”
“Damn, those kids are cool.” Before they had come along, the coolest guy at trivia had definitely been that dude who looked like Questlove. But he was cool in like a, you’re so cool I can’t even talk to you kind of way. These weird kids were awesome, but also approachable.
“Welp, we might as well get some practice in,” Carmine said. He was shaking some oversized plastic keys above Trevor’s head. Ben set five bottles of Stella down on the bookcase housing the group’s UNREAL collection of Dave Matthews Band vinyl.
“We haven’t practiced state birds in a while,” Reid offered. “Everyone remember their ten?” Everyone nodded confidently. “Ok, Montana,” he prompted.
“The western meadowlark,” Ben replied instantly.
“The willow ptarmigan.” Buddy grinned. Damn, we’re awesome, he thought.
The five best friends quizzed each other into the night. A few six packs later, they were spent. Trevor cooed from Dan’s arms. The guys had been passing him around all night, taking turns swaddling him and teaching him cool handshakes.
“Ok little dude, let’s get some practice in for you too,” Dan said, sitting the baby back down on the play mat. He pulled up the billboard charts on his computer. “Alright, man, you ready?” Dan wiggled his eyebrows at Trevor, who shrieked delightedly with weird baby laughter, which is different from not-weird baby laughter.
“KK little dude, hold up those fingers – what number is the DJ Snake & Lil Jon hit Turn Down for What on the Billboard Hot 100 this week?” Trevor stared at his hands, struggling to get his tiny baby motor skills to comply with his prodigal trivia brain. Finally, he proudly held up seven fingers.
“Yeah, boyeeee!” exclaimed Carmine, pumping a fist in the air. “Who’s got the coolest baby? We do!!” He jabbed the air with his fist a few more times.
Buddy ducked Carmine’s flailing arms by sinking lower into the couch cushions. He looked at the clock. It was 11 pm – trivia was probably over by now, and some undeserving assholes were walking away with their $100 first place prize. He sighed audibly.
“Hey, man, what’s on your mind?” Reid slid over on the couch and put a comforting arm around Buddy’s shoulders. That was just the kind of bros they were. Plus, that one night with Jessica…stuff happened, man.
“I dunno. Just bummed about missing trivia. I mean, it’s all we live for.” It was true. The members of Badger My Ass had long ago quit their jobs to devote all their time to reading extremely niche facts on the internet and eating nachos at Sweetwater. They rarely left the house anymore, except to see potentially Oscar-worthy films that could show up in the movie character connection and award show categories. They had made so much money at their bro-ish real estate and/or accounting jobs that when they decided to pool it all together, it had lasted them to this day.
It had never been about the money, though. The $100 they won every Tuesday at trivia was barely enough to keep Trevor in diapers in the current economy. No, those five twenty dollar bills were something more – identical, equalizing, some kind of reminder of their “one for all, all for one” mentality. They were a badge of brotherhood – the kind of brotherhood it takes to raise a baby five ways. Okay, well, six. Fucking Jessica.
Buddy raised his glass high. “To trivia,” he intoned.
“To trivia!!!” the rest shouted enthusiastically. There was always next week.
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Eric Michael Fox = Casual Jennifer Lawrence Blogger
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It’s Fun Facts About Names Day! Unfortunately, we don’t actually know anything about genealogy or what your name means, but we made you this handy key to help you learn a fake fact about yourself.
Reblog with your name facts!